Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Untitled Short-Story - Part 4

This is the second part to my answer to Lindsay's (second) prompt:
The moment he saw her he couldn't take his eyes off her. The moment she slapped him he knew he would love her forever.

The shrill shriek would have done any girl of 5 honour, but it was disgracing Alexander Knevash, who was old enough to be a squire, and he knew it. His shaking hands also shamed him, and for a moment he feared that he had even wet himself.
Then he registered that his fingers twitched in empty air and he remembered. The soft, moist nose of his sisters horse had touched him in the neck. He had been so focused on carrying that awful heavy bucket that this tickling sensation had scared him almost witless. Water had splashed on his trousers and the horse's legs - and apparently a girl that was now staring at him out of the shadows. Her red hair was so fiery bright that he could see it even in this poor light.
Alexander still stared when she stalked towards him, transfixed by the sky-blue of her eyes, noticing the knife in her hands only because its blade had the same dangerous glint. Even her dress was blue, although now stained with dark spots of water. And yet, he never hand seen something more beautiful. Never mind her angry glare, the threateningly raised weapon or her rather dishevelled and untidy state. Had Alexander been old enough, he would have known that he was about to fall in love.
"You idiot! You've ruined everything! Your scream will bring the whole castle into the stables! I should have stabbed you in the back and left when I had the chance!"
She ranted on like this for a few more seconds, but fell into a stubborn silence when the adults arrived and dragged her away. Just before his father and others blocked his view, Alexander saw how she turned her head and granted him a last scowl of sky-blue.


Later, he had learned that she was Rianne of Duskandar, born to be a warrior-princess, and brought to the castle as a hostage. She and her guardians had only been on the journey through, so they had stayed apart from the rest of the household and guests. When the girl had gone missing, there had not been a great fuss about it, because certain people were not meant to know about her presence at all. They didn't underestimate her afterwards.
Alexander and Rianne had never been meant to meet, and the had never met again since that short episode in their childhood. Still, her fearless strength had made a heavy impression on him. He soon stopped being a naive weakling, although he might not have developed quite like his father would have liked.
Now he granted Valeria a sliver of that admiring stare. It was not enough to diminish his deep feelings for the red-head that had stolen his heart before he knew how to love. However, he acknowledged the strength and courage of the seer with a little smile, who met his gaze unfaltering. It was not her place to make demands. Neither her magic nor her birth granted her that right, and what independence she might have had got lost when she accepted the proposal.
He would consider giving in, nevertheless. Just a little. Just to see what her world might have to offer. In the end, she would be his wife. Her power would be his to command. She would help him find Rianne.

-> part five

I welcome any comment and critique on my writing, especially the helpful ones.


  1. Hi there! I've got a tiny suggetion I'd like to pass on. It's one I'm guilty of in my writing. The overuse of the word "that." Most of the time, you don't need it.

    For example: "and apparently a girl that was now staring at him out of the shadows. Her red hair was so fiery bright that he could see it even in this poor light.

    You could tighten your writing a bit more by simple writing, "...and apparently a girl was staring at him out of the shadows. Her red hair was so fiery bright, he could see it even in the poor light." (I also changed "this poor light" to "the poor light").

    But, I really like what you wrote here: "she turned her head and granted him a last scowl of sky-blue." (:

    Also, I'm passing on some blog love and you've received a blog award! Check it out chez moi at

    1. Oh yes, the bad "that" and "this". I guess I was focusing so much on trying to do more "showing" than "telling" that I didn't pay attention other blunders.
      Thank you for pointing this out. I'll do my best to correct it.

      And also thank you for the blog award. I don't think I ever got one before.
      I will honour it properly at the weekend, promise.

  2. Elsie is right, "That" was pointed our by an editor of an online mag who rejected my work wishing me better luck next time.
    I have gathered some more bits of writing wisdom, don't use too many ing+verbs, avoid overuse of adjectives and adverbs and too many commas. Also use diff "words in a sentence combinations" like instead of 13/11/12/15/13/14/16 word sentences in a 7 line para use 12/11/4/16/5/21/3 and so on.
    The writing is well shaped, the story mysterious and intriguing. Look forward to more

    1. Oh, ing-verbs are bad, too? Well, I think I read that somewhere. I might have to keep an eye on them.

      Do you mean with the "words in a sentence combination" the number of words or the words itself? I think it's more likely that you mean how much words are used to form a sentence, although I haven't heard that advice before. I'm not even sure if I pay much attention to how many words I use, let alone if longer sentences get mixed with short ones.

      By the way, a new part is online ... from now on with a title!